HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 🎆 🎇
Well it's been quite a few months since I last wrote anything on here. I tell you it's been quite a year and I'm glad it's over 😊
If you've read my blog for a while you will know I have had my ups and downs with anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I think I started this year feeling positive and hopeful but by the middle of the year I was just waiting for 2020 to start. I had spats of feeling so low, anxious and I think I had probably the worst panic attack I've ever had, to the point I literally couldn't go to work. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and just thought I'd let myself down. I knew I couldn't continue that way so I did go into work and explain and they were very supportive. I think sometimes trying to hide it and not say anything makes it worse. I feel so much better speaking out about it because not only does it make others aware of how you're feeling but others also share their experience which also kind of helps. I then got really sick near the end of the year. Now I'm the sort of person who never gets any bug/ cold etc so this really knocked me. I think it was because my immune system was so low from my mental health. I had never been so poorly in my life but after 2 weeks and losing a stone...I finally started to feel better and get back on track for December and Christmas (my favourite time of the year). The final straw was I went into work on the last day before Christmas to be told they were closing the company after 35 years and we no longer had a job. The place I had worked since I left school 7 and a half years ago was no more. I'm going to be completely honest I worked so hard throughout school, sixth form, apprenticeship and at work to get where I am and in my eyes I had my perfect job. I loved everything I did and had everything I wanted in a job. It was then ripped away from me within minutes.... to say I was heartbroken is an understatement. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to better myself and see what else is out there but I'm not going to lie...I am devastated!!! But I have an interview tomorrow so fingers crossed 🤞
Now all that is out the way I'll get onto the good bits of the year 😉 Weirdly enough even though I have had bad anxiety, I also feel that I've got better at social situations and more confident in myself. I've learnt to put myself first for once in my life and make ME happy! I've tried new things and said yes to spontaneous suggestions. (I'm always someone who likes to plan so a spontaneous outing is a pretty big thing) I've had the best times with the best people, my family, friends and amazing boyfriend and writing this today I feel happy, stronger and hopeful! All of the challenges life throws at us just makes us stronger and we can handle things better and easier.
Looking at myself now compared to the 15 year old at the beginning of the decade...I'm a completely different person and I would love to go back and tell myself everything will be ok but without the experiences I wouldn't be who I am today. In the last 10 years I've learnt to be careful who you trust, look after yourself first, it's ok to not be ok and be confident!
I'm looking forward to the year ahead and it's weird not knowing what will be this time next year. I'm excited to see what happens 😊
Who knows what I'll be writing in 2030 when I look back on the decade.
What are you looking forward to this year? What are your goals for 2020 and the decade?
Thank you for reading and here's to a successful and happy 2020 😊
Tash x
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